Itâ€™s the most conflicting emotions happening simultaneously.
Itâ€™s constantly thinking of every potential scenario.. including another loss.
Itâ€™s replaying your previous birth, and desperately hoping for a different outcome.
Itâ€™s crippling anxiety and fear, even during a healthy pregnancy.
Itâ€™s reassuring yourself that surely lighting canâ€™t strike the same place twice..Â then realizing it could.Â
Itâ€™s fumbling over your words when a stranger asks, â€œIs this your first?â€
Itâ€™s praying for protection and health over your baby, then wondering why your previous prayers werenâ€™t answered.
Itâ€™s learning how to balance the grief for what was lost, and gratitude for what could be.
Itâ€™s trying to not feel guilty when the grief overtakes you.
Itâ€™s feeling extreme guilt to be pregnant while others are still waiting on their miracle or rainbow baby.
Itâ€™s daring to plan and dream again.
Itâ€™s wondering if you will ever feel the joy you once had.
Itâ€™s struggling when you see another pregnancy announcement (even when you are pregnant) because you too once had that innocent excitement.
Itâ€™s mourning the innocent Joy you once had, after learning the worst can happen, even after a perfectly healthy pregnancy .
Itâ€™s hoping this baby will know that they are not a replacement, and they are not here just because their older sibling died.
Itâ€™s hearing your rainbow babyâ€™s heartbeat and only feeling reassurance for that brief moment.
Itâ€™s knowing you will never fully be able to exhale until you have a breathing baby in your arms.. and even then.
Itâ€™s hoping your rainbow baby knows that although mommy cries a lot, she is still so very grateful to have new life growing in her womb.
Itâ€™s hoping people wonâ€™t forget about your baby who died.
Itâ€™s wondering if people will think you should no longer be sad because you are pregnant again.
Itâ€™s trying to explain how you feel, but knowing no one could possibly understand unless they have lived it themselves.
Itâ€™s praying they will never have to.
Itâ€™s praying for the ones that do.
Itâ€™s hoping again.
Itâ€™s living again.
Itâ€™s loving again.