It’s the most conflicting emotions happening simultaneously.
It’s constantly thinking of every potential scenario.. including another loss.
It’s replaying your previous birth, and desperately hoping for a different outcome.
It’s crippling anxiety and fear, even during a healthy pregnancy.
It’s reassuring yourself that surely lighting can’t strike the same place twice.. then realizing it could.
It’s fumbling over your words when a stranger asks, “Is this your first?”
It’s praying for protection and health over your baby, then wondering why your previous prayers weren’t answered.
It’s learning how to balance the grief for what was lost, and gratitude for what could be.
It’s trying to not feel guilty when the grief overtakes you.
It’s feeling extreme guilt to be pregnant while others are still waiting on their miracle or rainbow baby.
It’s daring to plan and dream again.
It’s wondering if you will ever feel the joy you once had.
It’s struggling when you see another pregnancy announcement (even when you are pregnant) because you too once had that innocent excitement.
It’s mourning the innocent Joy you once had, after learning the worst can happen, even after a perfectly healthy pregnancy .
It’s hoping this baby will know that they are not a replacement, and they are not here just because their older sibling died.
It’s hearing your rainbow baby’s heartbeat and only feeling reassurance for that brief moment.
It’s knowing you will never fully be able to exhale until you have a breathing baby in your arms.. and even then.
It’s hoping your rainbow baby knows that although mommy cries a lot, she is still so very grateful to have new life growing in her womb.
It’s hoping people won’t forget about your baby who died.
It’s wondering if people will think you should no longer be sad because you are pregnant again.
It’s trying to explain how you feel, but knowing no one could possibly understand unless they have lived it themselves.
It’s praying they will never have to.
It’s praying for the ones that do.
It’s hoping again.
It’s living again.
It’s loving again.