The holidays have been tough. I spent most of my time off social media last week. I was anticipating to feel down, but the ache I normally have of his absence felt even more magnified and took me right back to the days following his birth and death.
I think a lot of the reason people move away from religion or faith is because they think if they have doubts then they aren’t real Christians. But what I have learned is that it’s exactly the opposite. We are not God, we sin and fall short. We have doubts. But He knew all of this from the beginning. What would be our need for faith if we could do everything in our own strength? What would be the purpose of a savior if we never doubted, never sinned and lived perfect lives? So I got real with Him. I cried out and asked Why… again, yes even after I was certain I had accepted it. It’s not like we can hide our feelings anyways. He knows our deepest thoughts, but its our choice whether we bring them to Him or not. After pouting for a few days I decided to bring my thoughts, my anger, my sadness, my doubts and confusion all to Him… again. During that time He revealed a lot to me. He shifted my focus and for the first time in awhile, I had peace again.
Grief isn’t linear. It’s not like I am going to wake up one day and be “over it”. It’s a constant battle.. it’s going to be anger and sadness followed by joy and gratefulness – on repeat – for the rest of my life. From the women who have walked this before me, they tell me the anger and sadness does get lighter. But for our first Thanksgiving without him its ok if I’m sad and angry. It’s ok if I cry over the fact that he will never get to wear the outfit I picked out for him. It’s ok if I need to guard my heart and stay off social media for a few days. It’s ok because the next wave will come and I will be reminded that I am not alone. That joy will return (I know because it has a few times) then the sadness will too, but the next time and the time after that I will be more familiar with the wave and more equipped to brace myself. Until then I will take it one holiday at a time.. one day at a time.