But God

When are you going to get over it and go back to your old self? No one has asked me this directly, but someone may have thought it. You may have though it. You may have even asked your self this question. The short answer is never and I’m not. The thing about loss is that there is no “getting over it”, there is no amount of time that will suffice. I do believe that in time you will have learned to live with the pain better. You may learn how to manage grief and joy at the same time, but there is no getting “over it”, and there certainly is no former self to go back to. Loss has permanently changed me.

I’ve also learned that grief isn’t linear. Some days I feel like I am moving forward, carrying the weight well, then BOOM – Out of nowhere I slide back 10 steps back. Some days the weight still feels like yesterday and I find myself asking the same questions I thought I had accepted and made peace with. The “why me’s” can be (and are) endless. But that’s just where I am some days. Other days it feel like it was an eternity ago, and when I recount my story its as if I am speaking about someone else. A friend I know who had overcome the impossible. Except it’s me and I am reminded once again, that this is my reality. 

I posted a photo of a flower from my backyard this morning. The ironic thing was just 2 days ago I was looking at it and told my husband I think we need to throw it out. It used to be super full and lush with tons of blooms, but it hadn’t bloomed since we had to bring it in the house for a week during the hurricane a month ago. When I looked outside my window this morning, to my surprise I saw one single and full bloom! It was alive. What once looked completely lifeless had bloomed again, and I couldn’t help but think of the similarities to my own life. At one point I had no idea how I was going to continue living, but GOD. He is the only one who can take what is seemingly hopeless and lifeless and restore it. So instead of throwing the plant out, we watered it and slowly but surely signs of new life began to appear. And even though it may not look like it did before, and the blooms may take a little longer than they once did, the flower – and life – can still be beautiful.