Though it is hard to make sense of everything you lost, the beautiful thing is.. you donâ€™t have to. You can focus on this new day that has just been given to you, and rest in sweet assurance that even in the little things, light is still pouring through. -Â @morganharpernicholsÂ
This morning, in our normally pitch dark room, I was awoken by a small stream of light behind my nightstand.
The very last thing we did for Preston was install blackout curtains in our bedroom. I read somewhere that you will never feel like you have everything done before babyâ€™s arrival – but we actually did! The second we found out I was pregnant our whole world revolved around him. Everything I ate, everything I bought, anything we did was all for him.
I think thatâ€™s what made his sudden death even more difficult. Why did I have such an enjoyable pregnancy? Why did everything seem to fall into place so smoothly.. Why God? WhyðŸ’” Thatâ€™s the same question I keep coming back to over and over again, 3 months later. I count all the divine occurrences, I recount all of the blessings that have somehow occurred after his death, I trust that he is now in the safest place possible, but I still come back to the simple 3 letter question.. WHY?
Through studying scripture, meetings with my grief counselor, and reading countless stories and books on loss I have realized that I will never get the answer to that question on this side of eternity. And even if I somehow did, nothing would ever be â€œenoughâ€ to make what happened ok. Then I suppose thatâ€™s where faith comes in. We canâ€™t see our full story from this side of eternity. We didnâ€™t get a choice whether we got to keep our son or not, but now we do have a choice. And our choice is to not just accept the pain, but to use our pain to honor him the best way we know how. Even if some days that just means acknowledging the smallest amount of light shining through the darkness.