I find myself wanting to go back. Back to the days when I was pregnant and full of joy.. peacefully & innocently going through life just waiting on Preston to arrive. Completely unaware of the danger that lurked ahead. I find myself wanting to go back to the days when all I was worried about was which pacifier he was going to prefer, or if the room was going to be dark enough for him to sleep. I have never been a person who looked back or dwelled on the past and “what if’sâ€, but that was in my before life. Before my hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces. Before our son passed away.
I wish no other parent would ever have to experience the heartbreak of such a sudden loss, but I know that’s sadly not the case. Now I find myself quietly praying for every pregnant woman that crosses my path. Praying that they will be able to see their babies take their first breath and watch them grow up. I used to think nothing like this could ever happen to me until it did. Isn’t that what we all think? We naively think we are somehow immune from any trouble or tragedy of this world. John 16:33 states
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
– John 16:33
Not IF you have trouble.. but WHEN. I had a lot of kind people reach out saying how strong I was, or even wondered how I could still have faith after what happened. I would be lying if I said I didn’t struggle some days. I could imagine if I was in someone else’s shoes, I would probably look at me and wonder the same things. I would think “Omg, I would DIE if I were her!†Or “How is she even functioning, I would just crawl in a hole somewhere!†I honestly can’t explain exactly HOW I am getting through this other than I have a GOOD God who promises to never leave my side. Who understands everything I am going through and is walking with me through it. I believe whole heartedly that had I not given my life to Jesus, I would be filled with much more anger and much less hope. My human mind will never ever EVER be able to comprehend what happened, but I can’t help but put my trust in the only One who knows how my story ends.
“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.â€
– Revelation 22:13
I know there will always be days when I want to “go backâ€, but I thank God for my new, renewed sense of perspective. Now in my “afterlife”, I value LIFE like I never did before, and I am STILL grateful. I am grateful for my incredible husband, my loving family, and our amazing support system. I am grateful my body was able to conceive and carry our precious son for 9 months. And I am hopeful that one day, God-willing, I will be able to carry Preston’s sibling and tell them all about their big brother and guardian Angel in heaven, Preston Carter.Â
Eternally hopeful for tomorrow, but so very grateful for today. 🦋
For I know the plans I have for you,†declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
– Jeremiah 29:11